Oh Lord!
Give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change.
...
It is only longing that turns
Wishes into dreams
Dreams into certainties
...

The stench of lies permeated the air, engulfed my being, swallowed me whole and left not a little taste of bitterness in my dry mouth as I choked on the truth I had, with such earnest, denied.

I had promised myself, lied to myself, that it'd all would work out. That somehow, miraculously, magically, something would come of this longing, that my prince would finally come and heed his damsel's call. But that's all just in fairytales. I should have known. Scrap that. I knew, I should have accepted. Oh, what to do? Where to go from here when there is nowhere to go, nothing lies a head for me with this…burden that I carry.

I shall pack ice around my heart, harden it to stone, freeze the blood that runs through my veins, enveloped in the shame of being the forgotten one left behind. It'll never work, I accept that now, so why even bother? Why hold on when it'll get me nowhere?

I tried in vain to hold on to the few feeble memories that barely existed to be remembered. I need to forget what never happened and give up what I never had. It's impossible to work on something that exists only in the mind because the imagination is at odds with reality and it'll surely be a fatality to hold both to my agonised heart. I need to accept the truth that I deny to be lies because I no that I only hide from what's right because it's too painful to deny it…

So though I'm weary of the past and wary of the future, I'll live in the present because the past is there for me to be at peace with and the future is there for me to embrace. Living an illusion may be easier than moving on but it's better for my sanity, integrity, youth to forget what I never had than hold on to what can never be.

This silent internal struggle is killing me.

Maybe one day I'll be able to look back at all that I've written and just laugh at my self-indulgence, my whimsical and nonsensical teenage self...Until then I've got to keep my head low, not think about it and just attempt to move on. Yeah, keep my mouth shut and all that.

I'm sick of all this. I'm at the end of my tether and I don't have patience for it anymore. God, I wish I could talk to someone. I mean, seriously talk to them.

I wish I could actually get something out of this. It's so hard.

I should be so grateful for all I have and be content with it. But I'm not.

I can't get him out of my head. And it hurts. Because every morning I wake up with his name on my lips, his thought in my mind and I know that I still got to get through the day and try not to think about it. And it kills.

And then at night it's the exact same thing. The last thought I have is of him and all that I dream concerns him and it makes me cry and I don't want to cry anymore. My tears have run dry. I am beyond pain, feeling like this is only bringing me down.

I can't concentrate on much anymore, throw myself head first into my work because otherwise I'd just sit about in a corner and cry the minutes away because there's nothing I care more about, nothing I actually want more now than him. But I know I can never have him.

It's so stupid. Each time I try to get over him, I can't. He's too important. And I hate him for it. But I can't think bad of him. Why did I even fall for him?

I was so stupid, so silly, such a right idiot. All I can do is bang my head against the wall, wishing that the past didn't happen, that the present wasn't as it is and the future could be less hopeless than it seems.

It doesn't matter anymore. I don't matter. If I did, he'd see me. But he doesn't. He just walks on as if I'm not there. His gaze on the floor as he walks right past me, I want him to look up and see me. To smile. But I know I'll probably shatter under his gaze.

He makes me feel so worthless. Why do I exist if I can't even have him?

It's so stupid. I just keep coming round to the same point, how stupid I am, how silly I was to think of him in such a way, knowing even from the first time I looked at him that he was too good for me, that he'd never care for me, that in his world I was just another passer-by.

It hurts so much just thinking about him. Everything, just about everything, reminds me of him. Things just jump out at me as I go through each day and they all remind me of him. I can't get him out of my head and I hate him for it.

But you see, I don't, I could never hate him.

...
We have reason to cool
Our raging motions
Our carnal stings
Our unbitten lusts
...
Some people get addicted to Coke, some to Bourbon but me?
I get hooked on chaos.

I LOVE YOU GIRL!!! <3<3

**    Had a wonderful birthday, So thanks for all those who wished me one! ^_^ There's nothing like pigging out on junkfood and watching movies all day, going and saying hello to all my friends at McDonalds (since it's right next to my job I'm in there WAY to much) and talking to my gay friend Keith who told me I looked Fab. BEST COMPLIMENT EVER. lol.

**   So... My car is dead. At least for the time being, and that means... well I'm kinda screwed. I have to walk to work today, two miles in 80 degree weather, and it's probably going to rain. Brilliant.  Have to work with my Boss today, otherwise I probably would have gotten a ride from another coworker. So i look forward to busting my ass while she sits and talks on the phone. FUN!! Not.

**     Planning to go and see Orphan at the movies friday with my coworker/bestest buddy. Hopefully it  ends up being scary. (though I doubt it... they never are) We are going to hit Taco Bell afterward. It's been so damn long since i had food there... and it IS tradition. Taco Bell + movie + Hot latino guys= LOVE. hehe.

<3 








 

Hello all!

---Ok, i have to start by asking.... Was anyone else a little let down by Half-Blood Prince?
I gotta say, I certainly was. I'm about to go in a rant, so you may tune me out if you wish.. ^_^

First off, I was SO angry there was no Kreacher or Dobby in this movie. I have really no idea why the little house elves make me feel so fuzzy and warm, but I really like them. They are kinda important in the last book, so you'd think they'd be included as much as possible... but no. Denied!

Voldemort's Family memories were completely cut. No mention of his mom, dad, grandfather or Uncle. No mention of how he got his hands on that ring...

Harry and Ginny's scene was MESSED UP BAD. I don't even LIKE them together, but it still pissed me off to no end that they changed it all around.

I didn't like all the changes they made either. They added a bunch of crap that didn't happen just for entertainment value. (seriously, just  STOP.)
The ending was all wrong.... Snape didn't see Harry, not to mention Dumbledore and Harry's scene from Hosgmead was taken out.  No fighting sequences, no Bill in the hospital... No Fleur, NOTHING.

No Change of Minster of Magic : Fudge to Rufus either.  No interaction between Harry and Rufus at all....

PLUS NO FUNERAL. What. The. Fuck?

---------------------
On a bright note, the movie definately had it's funny moments. 
Ron's Love potion scene was HILAROUS. <3 i love that boy.

Draco's scenes were quite good, and he was in the movie quite a bit. Thank god, because Tom Felton is absolutely scrumptious. oh yes. mmm. ^_^

OVERALL?

7 out of 10. Maybe. Worth the money to buy, to see in theaters... but my hope that the Deathly Hallows movies will be epic? Not so much. I've lost my faith.